▶ Your Answer :
Some people
think that the extended family is still very important. However, in my opinion,
I think that the importance of the extended family has been diminished compared
to the past in comparison to the past due to following two subsequent reasons.
To begin with,
these days, the majority of people prefer to live alone. This is because they Nowadays people want
to be free from the burden of familial responsibilities and avoid intervention
among family members (이유에 대한 설명을 명확하게 하고 난 다음에 예시로 넘어가는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). For example, in Korea, the economy has been adverse and the
unemployment rate has increased at an unprecedented speed. Thus, young people today
financially depend on their parents for a longer period after graduation than the
past counterpart. Therefore, parents are tired of supporting their sons and
daughters. At the same time, many young people wish to be free from their parents’
ongoing intervention, such as nagging when they
will get a job. Thus, if a young man gets job at last, both him and his parents
prefer not to live in the same household. For example, in the past, my parents
and older sister had trouble in their relationship when my sister was living
with us, applying for a job after graduating the university. During the two
years of her job search, my parents were stressed with supporting her
financially, and my older sister was stressed with my parents’ urging to get
hired as soon as possible. After getting her job, she relocated to another city
away from us. Now, both my parents and sister are happy with their separate lives.
On top of that, the important function of the
extended family has become less fundamental. In the past, there were too many children
in one extended family. Therefore, one of the positive functions of the
extended family was to share the burden of nurturing. However, since the marriage
and birth rate has been declined, and sharing the burden of rearing kids has been
less important function of the extended family. For the singles and married
couples, there is no need to live with one’s parents and learn how to raise their
kids, or ask their parents to take care of their children. For instance, my
friend is married and has two children. She says that taking care of her kids
is never an easy task, but it is still possible
since there are only two, and the couple shares the responsibility of rearing(nurturing)
together. Thus, they feel no need to live with their parents or other family
members.
In brief, many
families prefer not to live in the same household, and the positive function of
extended family, such as sharing the burden of nurturing has become less
important. In this regard, I feel that the extended family is not as central to
people’s lives as it was in the past.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이의 문제점은 너무나 많은 예시들을 적으려고 합니다. 한 단락에 두 개의 예시가 있을 만큼 전체적으로 너무 장황합니다. 독립형 에세이에서 필요한 것은 이유에 대한 구체적인 설명이지 예시 중점인 에세이가 아닙니다. 따라서 항상 에세이를 서술할 때에 주제에 대하여서 구체적으로 생각하고 이유를 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
|