▶ Your Answer :
Each subject in schools are designed to develop
student’s in many aspects. During the physical education, it would be a good
chance for students to relieve their stress by physical activities, since they
spend most of their time studying on academic subjects. However, this could also be
done in art and music class and existence the guidance of teacher is needed unlike physical
education class.
To begin with, physical education could happen
anywhere. Students can play basketball or baseball together after school or
they can go for jogging with their family. The purpose of the physical
education is to move the body to have positive way of thinking and to interact with students.
The teacher in the P.E class is just guiding students what to do, and what to
play, simply telling the rules of each game. There was a poll conducted by
Board of Education of in Korea, with 200 teenage students as a respondent. This survey
was to understand the consensus view about how students think about the importance of
physical education class. The result was intriguing. The An overwhelming of 87%
ranked that the importance of P.E class as lowest. The majority answered that the
sports played in P.E class does not make them to work hard due to each one’s
ability and interest in games are different and they would rather do other
activities they like after class. This shows that students prefer doing
physical activities they like, instead of doing in studying at school.
On top of that, art and music improve
children’s creativity compared to physical education class. Arts encompasses
everything in our lives such as a the building we live in, the clothes we wear, and
the books we read. Arts spurs children’s ingenuity during young age in every
aspect and the creativeness developed in this stage lasts forever. Also, in modern
society, many companies want to hire people with creative thinking since
innovation in every field is essential. For example, I am working as a computer
engineer and I had a project to fix our company’s website with better interface for
customers to use. Thanks to my originality that I gained from school’s art and
music class, I was able to think creatively and draw significant result. The usage
of company’s website increased 45% to 87%. From this experience, I think the
arts acts really important in modern society.
In a nutshell,
although whether importance between physical education or art and music is open
to discussion, yet it seems reasonable to claim that it is better to sustain
arts class because of the two reasons discussed in this essay.
예상 점수: 17-21 총평: 글 전체에 자잘한 실수들이 많습니다. 우선 첫번째 문단에서 existence보다는 guidance가 더 적합한 어휘같아요. existence, 존재는 약간 표현이 문맥상 어색한 것 같습니다. 글 전체적으로 idiom과 관련된 실수가 굉장히 많습니다. 특정 단어들은 반드시 따라붙는 단어들을 함께 써주셔야만 그 의미가 명확하게 전달될 수 있습니다. 꼭 위에 오류들을 확인해 보세요. 마지막으로 although를 쓰시고 yet을 쓰시는 것은 동의어 반복이라 가급적 지양해 주셔야 할 표현입니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.
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