First of all, people hold a big party for their birthday or graduation because having a large party helps people learn about building relationships with others holding a large party means people have a broad relationship connection. In detail, its opportunities to make many friends, which as a result allows people to learn how to build relationships through communicating their thoughts and connecting to each other’s feeling Through connection, people can learn a lot of valuable knowledge on other people's thoughts. People meet only with a narrow range of people due to set daily routine and surroundings (이 부분에 대해서 설명을 하기 위해선느 이 부분과 연관이 되는 부분들을 언급하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다). These usually do not change much from day to day. However, it is important to get to know a wide variety of people to build social skills and blend in with society. Building relationships is a great way to develop an increasingly important social, interpersonal, and communication skills. Take Warren Buffett, for instance. He is a globally recognized CEO and an investor. Listed among Time’s 100 most influential people, Buffett mentioned in an interview that his interpersonal skills and personal connections shaped him into a successful business person. Such comment sounds highly convincing since he is a well-known man of success.
In addition, holding a large party for their special day enables people to relieve their stress. To be specific, having a large party allow allows people to talk to many people, which makes them better manage stress, maintain health, and build a quality life. Stress in obviously harmful in many ways. It can cause emotional problems, health problems, and poor performance. Therefore, people in modern society should actively find ways to reduce stress and stay healthy. In order to improve the overall quality of life, people should maintain a positive mindset and cope effectively with their stress by holding a large party for them. For example, a survey conducted by UCLA’s research department. The survey participants were asked if they agree with the idea that having a big party allows people to relieve their stress. The result showed that 79 percent of the participants answered that they are in favor of this idea. Further, their opinion was supported with logical reasons. This survey confirms my viewpoint.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is better to hold a large party by inviting as many people.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been accurately and effectively delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget that this issue may have a huge impact on our future. -제 컴퓨터 사정상 이렇게밖에 못쓰고있어요 실제로 쓸 때는 문단을 나누고 쓴다는 것을 감안해 주세요!
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일단 지금 이 에세이의 전반적인 주제는 큰 파티를 여는 것이 좋냐 작은 파티를 여는 것이 좋냐에 대한 에세이입니다. 하지만 각 단락을 보았을 때 이러한 부분에 대하여서 언급이 너무 적습니다. 각 단락에서 왜 우리가 큰 파티를 열어야 하는지에 대한 설명이 너무 부족한 거 같습니다. 특히 예시들이 주제와 전혀 맞지 않습니다. 좀 더 개연성에 무개를 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.