Some people think that it will more helpful for young people to select a job in the same field as their parents. However, in my opinion, young people who choose a job in the a different way will be more better than those who work in the same way with their parents for the following reasons.
To begin with, young people who is are less affected by their parents due to their different jobs learn quickly how to become successful. As they don't rely on their parents, they can know quickly how to deal with faced challenge. For example, my sister choose a different job with my parents by herself. Although at first, she experienced hard time because she was not good at alien things.(Although로 시작하면 뒤에 추가적인 clause가 들어가야 합니다.) However she said that it is was possible for her to success succeed quickly in her field because she choose chose a distinguishable job with her parents. (시제를 과거를 서술하시기때문에 과거형으로 통일해주세요) Additionally, she would have had more independence in her life because of her job.
On top of that, there is no pressure to live up to parents’ previous success for young people who select different way from their parents. They don’t have burdens to accomplish feat at least their parents’ feat. Take the example of my cousin, who had same jobs as her father who was a lawyer. Although she surpassed her colleagues, she usually was underrated with by her father who was a very famous lawyer at his time. She even told me that it is very stressful to be compared with her father. Finally she quit her jobs and find found a new jobs which is was different from her parents'.
To sum up, young people who have different occupation from their parents did can success in their way succeed quickly and be less independent independence, and get no pressure because they can’t be compared with their parents. In this regard, I insist that it is more helpful for young people to have different jobs from their parents’ jobs rather than selecting a the same job.
예상 점수: 17-21
총평: 시제와 a와 the를 잘 구별해서 사용해주세요. 전체적으로 문법적으로 봣을 때 아쉬운 부분들이 많습니다. idiom과 어법상 자연스러우려면 시제와 흐름을 잘 파악하셔서 통일되게 글을 써주셔야 합니다. 수고 많으셨습니다.