▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether It is always
better to save money you earn rather than spend it right away (독립형 에세이에서는 you를 서술하면 안됩니다). This is an
intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different
depending on individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support the
idea that spending money right away is better for the following reasons.
First of all, I can buy anything what i
want immediately, It helps people relieve stress. To be specific, I can
purchase many things such as movie tickets, food, and toys,which makes me
maintain stress and build a quality life. However, if I save money, I will not
have things right now mentioned earler. It leads to a stressful process. Stress
is the main cause of dissatisfying life and disease. Therefore people in modern
society should actively find ways to reduce stress. For example, when I was
younger, I learned that saving money is helpful for my future. So I decided to
save money. After I save my money, I was
very unhappy because I did not buy my snacks, toys because of shortage of
money. Therefore I realized that saving money is helpful for the future, but It
is not bnenficial for my current life. (일단 스트레쓰와 본인이 말하고자 하는 것과 무슨 연관성이 있는 지 모르겠습니다. 전체적으로 개연성이 많이 부족합니다)
In addition, spending money right now
gives economic growth to our countries. In other words, If we spend money right
away, markets and corporations will be developed, It leads to economic growth.
Economic growth is the most important to our lives because It was connected our
daily lives. If economy decrease, we may lose our jobs and earn little money
than economic growth. For instance, according to a study done by the Korea
Times, It revealed that the country that has economic growth gave about 10
times jobs than others in the survey.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that It is
more beneficial to spend money right away. All things considered, It is my
belief that my argumnet regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely
delivered with the reasons mentioned above, Never should we forget this issue
may have a huge impact on our future.
점수: 23 일단 지금 이 에세이에서 나타나는 가장 큰 문제점은 개연성이 많이 떨어진다는 것 입니다. 각 단락의 이유들이 주제와 무슨 연관성을 가지고 있는 지 잘 가늠이 안됩니다. 따라서 항상 에세이를 서술할 때에 개연성과 연관성을 중점을 두면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다.
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