▶ Your Answer : The issue here is do whether parents should keep smartphones away from children or let them allow its use for some advantages. In my opinion, I believe that parents should give children an opportunity to utilize their smartphone, and my view can be substantiated by the reason addressed below. Firstly, there are lots of good apps applications (줄임말을 사용해서는 안 됩니다.) for that children can use in smartphones. Obviously some might argues that too much app lead young children to addict their smartphone, like game or social media. (앱이 많은 것과, 게임 중독&SNS 중독은 전혀 다른 사항이므로 둘 중 하나로 통일해주세요.) Nowdays, however, most of app designers makes app create applications by age based on a marketing strategy based on age. In other words, parents could find a fun app (다른데에도 다 바꿔주세요~) for their children’s pastime or an educational app. In my nephew, for example, he use For example, my nephew uses an English vocabulary app in his smartphone, and really enjoyed it. Compared from day when we study, it is easy, handy and way (구어체에 가깝기 때문에 수정이 필요합니다.) cheaper.
Moreover, most of children already use a smartphone. They know how to use it, and they can contact with their parents by smartphone. Honestly, You cannot ignore the invasion of technology these days. Its more difficult you can find 2 g cell phone now. This trend makes age of smartphone user younger and wider. This becomes lifestyle, not a preference. Only you can forbid smartphone is just remove your cell phone from your child. (여기의 경우 문법 오류는 둘째 치고, 에세이을 적을 때 2인칭을 사용해서는 안 됩니다.) Some parent worried about as early their child uses smartphone that makes distant from them. Many parents do not want to see their childrenstaybehind from their friends because Smartphone is keychain among their friends. And ironically it leads parents far away from their children emotionally. . In conclusion, smartphone users are is getting younger, and many app designer open various platforms for them. It is inevitable trend, so most of parents compromise this topic with their children in a good way. Therefore, I agree that parent should allow their children could use smartphone.
총평: 문법 오류가 적은 편은 아니라 첨삭해드린 내용을 확인해서 필요한 부분을 보충해주시면 좋을 것 같고, 어휘 역시 반복되는 단어들이 많고 보다 나은 단어가 올 여지가 있으므로 확인 후 수정해주시면 됩니다. 본론 두 번째 문단의 경우는 주장-근거-구체화의 형식을 따랐다기보다는 의식의 흐름대로 쓰인 경향이 크고 특히 맨 마지막 부분은 '이미 많은 아이들이 스마트폰을 쓰기 때문에 이를 허용해주어야 한다' 라는 주장을 뒷받침할 수 있는 내용과는 거리가 멀어서, 크게 의미를 가지기 힘듭니다. 수고하셨습니다 :) |