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1회 수정을 거친것입니다
많이 부족하지만,
/흐름이 맞는지+예상점수+고득점을위한방향/도 언급해주시면 감사하겠습니다.
Words alone cannot express the
importance of happy and satisfied life. One should not, however, fall prey to
the misconception that people in the past lived (시제 -> 과거) are living more unhappy and
unsatisfied life than nowadays. I, therefore, strongly believe that people in
the past lived (시제 -> 과거) happier (happy의 비교급은 more happy가 아닌 happier 입니다) are living more happy life than now. Firstly, these days, people are
living a really busy and hectic life. For example, students have to study more
than the past. This is because, population has been increased, so entering the
prestigious university is more difficult than before. Also, in job
opportunity, there are limitations about empty job opportunity. However, more
job finders make them to get hired hardly.
Also, the number of job seekers is increased
due to the increased population. Getting job became more difficult than before
because of the limited number of job opening. All of these examples demonstrate people
in modern society have lots of stress and they are living a restless life than
before. I think what higher stress level and less rest time mean is that the
modern people are more unhappy and unsatisfied for quality of their lives. Secondly, I am sure that, in modern
society, a standard (기준을 뜻하는 것이므로 스탠다드가 더 문맥상 어울릴 것 같다는 생각입니다) (criterion: 단수. criteria: 복수 명사 입니다.) of happiness is higher than before. In the past, most of
people always lived with deficient materials and lack of foods. They were
really happy if they get just many foods as an example. On the other
hand, nowadays, we have plenty resources such as food and money. Higher
technologies are (동사 필요합니다) also always in around us. Thanks to these abundant
circumstances, a foundation of human life has (주어 동사 불일치) been satisfied. In
result, a criteria of peoples' happiness has been got higher than
before. Even though they are clearly living under the affluent conditions, they
do not realize that they are happy. People just want to get more things that
they did not have and they feel they are not happy.
As I mentioned above, people in the past
lived more happily life. The importance of living a happy life in our society
can never be overestimated. So I would like to urge people to (to부정사) be awake from the
illusion that, these days, people are living a more happy life. I would not
think twice before choosing to do so. |