It is a common belief that it is good for teenagers to gain experience by getting part-time jobs. However, there is more persuasive argument that the teenagers should focus on their study because it can distract students.
On the one hand, part-time jobs teach students about
the virtues required to succeed. Observing experts at workplaces and having
conversations with them help students develop their insight of industries. When
students look for jobs, this experience helps them to be prepared since they know
what is required to be successful. For example, students who are applying for
medicine in the UK sometimes need to have experience for shadowing doctors. By
working at a hospital, students can develop communication skills which are necessarily
needed to be a doctor since a hospital is such a multidisciplinary working place. Moreover,
it can be opportunities for them to re-confirm their goal by knowing their dream
job is really going to be. This suggests that teenagers sometimes need to get
part-time jobs while they are still in school.
Nevertheless, getting part-time job as students in
school distracts studies study and makes (둘 다 getting 과 호응됩니다.) them weary. Doing great for both academia and
work can be too much of a burden for teenagers. Whilst students’ first priority should
be studying, they would have to consume times for working. According to recent research it was shown that the academic performance of students with a part-time job academic performance was much lower than that of students the student
without it. It can be analyzed that one of the reasons is the student was too
tired to study so that they couldn’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야합니다.) focus on their classes in school. This suggests
that students better invest their time to study.
To sum up, while there are some advantages to
teenagers getting part-time jobs, it is evident that the disadvantages of
having work while they are still in school outweigh them.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
책의 근거를 그대로 가져다 쓰신 점은 아쉽지만, 이번 글은 문법 오류가 그렇게 많이 보이지 않았다는 점에서 긍정적이네요. 물론 그렇다고 문법 문제가 없는 것은 아니니까 꼭 공부해주시고, 혹시 7점 이상이 무조건 필요하시면 나중에 꼭 알려주세요. 그 경우 outweigh 유형에서 필요한 심화 내용에 대해 링크를 드리겠습니다. 단, 6점대만 필요하시면 절대 욕심내지 마시고 그냥 지금 템플릿으로도 충분합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)