The Way to Find Myself
Lao Tzu said, “There is no illusion greater than fear.” People generally feel uneasy and anxious when encountering unexpected incidents. Internal fear may be developed when an internal situation preoccupies or overwhelms a person. Fear that has no appearance or distinct existence becomes beyond control to affect emotion, thoughts, wills, and behaviors. Its impacts are much greater than what people think. I used to be full of fear and refuse to do what I wanted. I want to share my experience that helped me overcome and say goodbye to fear. I hope that my story encourages others to step forward to take action to feel free.
My middle school years were the peak of fear devouring me. I was too conscious of how others looked at me. I never wanted to stick out. Evaluations by others were more important than my wills and desires. I was afraid of others speaking of me behind my back. As a result, I let people make decisions about my preference. My decision was based on how I would look common rather than what I like. Instead of concentrating on what I want, I cared about what others usually do.
My mother, the most confident and proactive woman I have ever met, wanted to dress me as conspicuously and exquisitely as possible. She used to buy unique clothes such as red padded jackets, shining shoes, and sparkling socks for me. I usually crammed those clothes into my wardrobe because I was more concerned about how others thought about me. Fear developed my personality to be inactive and passive.
An important milestone occurred during the high school years and brought joy and excitement to life. Juniors perform an annual school play and everybody chooses one part. Among many parts like writing, acting, directing, makeup, stage setting and music, I decided to apply for a general director position. My choice was influenced by my friends’ comments that I would do well at directing. However, I did not make it, and I had to choose another role. At that moment I started to think and ask myself.
What do I want? Why do I care so much about what others think of me? What will happen if I do what I want? What am I afraid about? Do I want to continue living this way? While I was asking myself these questions, one picture suddenly came to my mind. It was me on the stage acting at a church play. As a six-year-old actress my lines were minimal, but I was enjoying the spotlights pointed at me. I liked the way people looked up at me. I was a bright and cheerful girl.
I had a strong urge to become the person I used to be. My heart was pounding. I wanted to feel that excitement again. I wanted to receive numerous cheers from people. I finally realized that I wanted to be an actress in the play. I took an important role in a school play and made a successful performance. I was shiny and glittering on the stage of the Dream School play in December 2021!
Since then, I have become confident, passionate, and positive. It made my life lively. Moreover, I found my uniqueness and inbuilt talents. And still, I am on the course of finding genuine myself. Now, I try bizarre outfits such as shining blue socks and a purple fur jacket. Anyhow, I am no longer devoured or trapped by fear. I love myself and I love to get to know about myself.
I realized that I was afraid of rejection and failure. I chose not to do anything to be free from rejection and failure. I did not know that joy comes from overcoming rejection and failure. I have the courage to take risks and try something new although results are uncertain. I learned that it was okay to fail. I can still go on because it is not the end. This amazing experience helped me step forward to explore the new world I have never been to.